At first I tried to ignore it but now it’s just getting weird. And if this sounds like a bad case of main character syndrome, please take me at my word when I tell you: everyone I sit next to in the office gets pregnant, has a baby and jets off on maternity leave.
I don’t wish to sound flippant but if the rest of the country had a birth rate akin to the Standard over the last few months, London’s schools would be thriving rather than shutting and the Office for National Statistics would not be forecasting a decline in the UK’s natural population.
I do not mean to suggest that sitting next to me is some kind of aphrodisiac. More likely the reverse
Nor do I mean to suggest that sitting next to me is some kind of aphrodisiac. More likely the reverse, in that my female colleagues take one look to their left or right and think to themselves how lucky they are to be with their respective partners, go home and multiply. I’ve not enquired as I suspect this would trigger some sort of tribunal.
It’s none of my business, really. I dutifully sign the cards, give generously for the gift and attend the leaving do in one of Moorgate’s many dreadful pubs. I learned to accept this the hard way. Back in 2017, Serena Williams announced she was pregnant. While my partner — who could not pick a tennis ball out of a line-up of spherical objects — said he was pleased for her in the rational, “isn’t that nice” sort of way, I’m ashamed to admit I was crestfallen.
Serena had just won the Australian Open (while eight weeks pregnant, as it turned out) and was on track for the calendar year grand slam. Having a baby, joyous as that may be for her, was akin to doing her cruciate ligaments which would sideline her for months. Fandom does strange things to people.
Still, where is this glut of babies coming from? Beyond the birds and the bees, there is in fact some science to this. A recent study from the Netherlands suggested that pregnancy might be contagious. Researchers found that without a so-called “colleague effect”, there would have been 1,151 or 5.8 per cent fewer pregnancies out of a total of almost 20,000 in one particular data set.
There are of course logistical issues for any business overseeing an office baby boom. And it is sadly the case that some companies do not handle it well. In the UK, being pregnant is a protected characteristic — and for good reason. A 2016 report by the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills and the Equality and Human Rights Commission found that three in four mothers said they had a negative or possibly discriminatory experience either during pregnancy, maternity leave, or on their return to the workplace. One in 10 said they felt forced to leave their job.
It’s curious, because unlike other absences due to ill-health or simply employees moving on (and unless you’re a character from a Nineties soap opera) people generally know they are pregnant. This gives both mothers-to-be and line managers plenty of time to plan for the transition. Each day brings discussion of which fruit the little scamp is according to the app. The pineapple sounds particularly uncomfortable.
Governments across the high-income world are spending billions to address falling birth rates. Japan’s prime minister says he’s prepared to take urgent steps, including cash handouts to households with children and allowing men to take longer paternity leave. Anything, basically, to avoid immigration.
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Meanwhile, in South Korea, where the birthrate last year fell to a record low of 0.72, Booyoung, a construction firm, has offered employees the equivalent of $75,000 for each new child. Surely it would be cheaper just to sit them next to me.
The pain and the glory of football
This Arsenal team could do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke, but what about a mild Wednesday evening in north London without Bukayo Saka? It turns out they were fine, but try telling that to my nephew, who runs around with his Saka number seven replica shirt.
This is the first season he is truly obsessed with football. Mine was 1997-98, when Arsenal won the league and Tony Adams scored that goal in front of the North Bank. I didn’t realise at the time that flowing football which produced league and cup doubles was not the natural state of things.
And so I don’t know what would be more damaging, long-term. Arsenal winning the title in my nephew’s first season of footballing consciousness, or having to witness his unblemished hope turn to anguish as the team throws it away on the last day of the season.
Jack Kessler is chief leader writer and author of the West End Final newsletter